Skulduggery Pleasant Oneshots
by Dominox
Summary: A series of one-shots including Valduggery, Ghanith, hilarious situations and maybe a few other unusual pairings! What more could any Skulduggery Pleasant fan want? Please read, review and enjoy! :) Rated M just in case.
1. Their Realisation

_Thanks for clicking into my fanfic :) _

_I used to write Skulduggery Pleasant fanfic a few years ago, but somebody I knew found my account and read my stories, and kind of insulted them a lot. I lost a bit of confidence in them and deleted my account, but I'm back :) I do miss my old fanfic, it had about sixty chapters and got really good feedback, but I'm going to start again!_

_Thanks for giving it a chance, hope you guys enjoy :) And don't forget to leave a review, thanks! :)_

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**Chapter 1: Their Realisation**

_Twenty_, Valkyrie thought, _I never thought I'd get to see this day for myself._

She took a moment to appreciate everything around her as she slipped into the deep red cocktail dress she had bought with her mum earlier that week. For the first time in a long while, she was happy. Just over a year ago, Skulduggery had lured Darquesse into a reinforced accelerator. It had destroyed the link to the magic Darquesse provided and nearly killed her. Several months ago she had woken up from a coma, and it took a couple of weeks for her magic to return. The first person she had woken up to see was Skulduggery; it had been the happiest moment of her life. She felt normal, with no crazy voice in the back of her mind. A lot of crying and hugging had followed. Her reflection had learnt to be content with being around Valkyrie's family while she was out with Skulduggery, Valkyrie wasn't exactly happy about this arrangement but she needed to keep everything secret from her family until she knew what to do and she knew the reflection would keep her family safe no matter what.

For now though, she was forgetting about every bit of drama and heading out to a nightclub in Dublin to enjoy a normal night with her friends who she hadn't seen in quite some time.

"Mum?" She called, examining herself in the mirror. Her long black hair was styled in waves and her makeup was simple, yet effective.

"Yes?" Her mother called from downstairs.

"I need your opinion." She replied while turning and looking from different angles.

Then she heard that velvet voice that she loved so much from her window.

"Well _I_ think you look dashing."

She grinned and turned around, seeing Skulduggery perched on her window sill.

"Why thank you-"

Just as she was finishing her sentence her mother entered the room and Skulduggery vanished from the window.

"Ah Steph you look gorgeous. Your dad is going to comment on those knees being visible though, be warned." Her mother chuckled and left the room.

Valkyrie made sure her mother was gone and crossed her bedroom to the window and peered out. Skulduggery rose from the garden to sit on her window sill once again.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather escort me to arrest Howard Crow? Apparently he's a bit of nervous wreck and might be prone to sobbing. It might be entertaining." Skulduggery said, his voice was full of amusement.

"And waste this dress? I think I can handle one night of being normal thank you very much. There will be more hysterical criminals who we can point and laugh at." Valkyrie grinned, leaning against the window.

"As long as you're sure. I'll call you tomorrow then." Skulduggery dropped from the window.

"See you tomorrow." Valkyrie whispered to him.

"Valkyrie?"

"Yes?"

"Happy birthday. You look... Lovely."

She had never heard him sound so hesitant before. She smiled and she waved, closing the window and drawing her curtains.

As expected, her father had followed her to the front door while giving her a lecture on how bad the cold was for the circulation in her knees and how she should wear sturdy pants, so she wouldn't lose her legs. Valkyrie had laughed and left the house.

All of her friends were delighted to see her; they hugged and caught up on all the gossip. Valkyrie more so just listening to their gossip, unless they wanted to hear about the latest criminals that she had arrested, she was keeping her mouth thoroughly shut.

As the night progressed, Valkyrie was starting to get very drunk. She made her way to the bar to get a glass of water. As she turned to walk away from the bar, she walked straight into a man who looked to be in his late thirties. He gave her a creepy smile and she could smell stale cigarette smoke off him. He looked her up and down and moved closer.

"Well hello there." His voice rumbled in her ear, his hand went for her hip.

Valkyrie grabbed his wrist and twisted it hard, he hissed in pain. She smiled sweetly, so not to grab any attention.

"Touch me again, and I'll break it."

She thrust him away from her as he glared at her. Side stepping around him, she made her way back to the table and made sure a fake grin was put in place. She checked her phone; it was two o' clock in the morning. If she was going to be able to hunt criminals with Skulduggery tomorrow morning, she'd better go home and get some rest.

"Ladies," She announced, her speech slightly slurred, "I'm afraid it's time for me to depart. Up early for work tomorrow, but we will definitely have to do this again soon."

She had told them she was working with her dad for the year, and that her college place was differed until next year.

Valkyrie left them to it after saying her goodbyes and went outside to get a taxi. The bouncers nodded to her curtly as she left, she rounded the corner to the taxi lane. Empty. Why did the taxi lane have to be empty? She swore and stood back against the wall, waiting for one to pull up. The street was deserted and she was starting to feel uncomfortable, standing here in a mini dress with no one around her. She glanced across the street and saw a familiar black car, she squinted her eyes and-

"Hello again sweetheart. That was some stunt you pulled in the club." Said a voice in her ear as a hand flew over her mouth and another around her waist, her arms secured on either side.

"You're not so though now are you, out here all by yourself?" He slurred, she felt spittle on the left side of her face.

Her thoughts were muddled and her body felt heavy. _Damn alcohol_, she thought to herself. She couldn't help but panic. She struggled against him as he dragged her back into an alleyway. She took a deep breath through her nose and suddenly slammed her head back into his. She didn't hear the sound of his nose breaking, and his grip tightened, so she must have got his cheek. Damn. Her head spun and her eyes were unfocused. Her eyes started to sting. The man removed his hold on her mouth and went to her thigh; Valkyrie whimpered slightly, his hand slowly moving upwards-

And then something collided with them. Valkyrie glimpsed a man in an exquisitely tailored suit, relief flooded through her as tears streamed down her face. She had been attacked many of times, but never had she been the victim of sexual assault. That was something she was not used to. That and alcohol was a bad and emotional mix.

Skulduggery hit the man again and again. Valkyrie could almost feel the rage coming from him as he slammed the man into the wall and punched him. The man's face and shirt was drenched in blood from his nose and nasty gash on his forehead.

"Skulduggery!" Valkyrie called as a warning, hugging herself as comfort.

He stopped mid-punch, released his grip on the man's shirt and froze for a few seconds; the man sunk down on the ground and fell sideways, coughing and spluttering into the ground. Skulduggery shook his head, as if to clear it, and knelt down beside the man. Through the blood and coughing, he started to nod his head vigorously. Satisfied, Skulduggery got back to his feet and walked towards Valkyrie. She was shaking slightly and her eyes were still streaming uncontrollably. Her moods seemed to be particularly erratic sometimes after waking up from a coma.

Skulduggery murmured soothing things into her ear as he put an arm around her shoulder and led her back out onto the street and towards the Bentley. As they were driving, Skulduggery kept glancing quickly at her and then back at the front window. She didn't even question where they were going.

They pulled up outside Skulduggery's house. He quickly came around to the passenger side and helped her out, his arm around her waist as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"I think I drank a tad much." She mumbled, allowing herself to be practically carried to his front door.

She heard him chuckle slightly as he opened the front door and led her to the couch. She flopped down and awkwardly kicked off her heels. She heard the kettle boiling from the kitchen and in a few minutes, Skulduggery was giving her a cup of tea. She took a small sip, it was strong but sugary. Just the way she liked it.

"Are you alright?" He asked finally, sitting down beside her.

She nodded slowly, not sure whether it was the alcohol making her act crazy or just her own uneven personality she had developed. She really hoped it was the alcohol.

"You didn't want to stop hitting him, I couldn't help but notice." She stated, taking another sip of her tea.

After a few moments of silence, Skulduggery spoke.

"Well, he did assault you. I wasn't letting him away with that. You should get some sleep." He made to get up from the couch but Valkyrie caught his arm and looked up at him.

"Can you stay?" She asked, and then she mentally kicked herself.

_Like he would. He's probably laughing at how weak you look right now._ She thought to herself.

To her surprise, Skulduggery slowly lowered himself back into the couch. Throwing caution to the wind, Valkyrie snuggled up to him with her head resting on his chest. After a moment's hesitation, Skulduggery slowly moved his arms around her and gently rested his head on top of hers.

Valkyrie tilted her chin up towards his face and kissed him on the cheek. Then she realised what she had just done and cursed herself. Before she died from embarrassment, Valkyrie was almost positive she heard him let out a contented sigh as his arms tightened slightly around her; she smiled and closed her eyes. This was where she belonged. Little did she know, Skulduggery was thinking the exact same thing.

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_Thanks for reading guys! :) I'm still a bit rusty with writing, feel free to give constructive criticism! :) _

_And please review, let me know if I should continue and whatnot!_

_Already working on the next chapter :)_

_x_


	2. Baking

_Thanks to everyone who took the time to read, follow and favourite this fanfic, I really appreciate it :) And a shout_ _out to Rosalie Storm who reviewed! :) _

_Decided to go light-hearted with this chapter, enjoy and don't forget to drop a review please :)_

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**Chapter 2: Baking**

Valkyrie and Tanith had decided to throw Erskine a surprise birthday party. They pretty much just wanted a reason to have a party. So now they were standing in the kitchen, looking at all the assorted ingredients needed for cupcakes and a birthday cake, but not having the slightest idea what to do. They had more than ten bags of flour and sugar, about a dozen cartons of eggs and different colours of icing.

"I think you may have gone a tad over board with the ingredients. We probably should have planned this better." Valkyrie stated, raising one of her thin, defined eyebrows.

"Well, it can't be _that _hard to make cupcakes now can it? We can improvise!" Tanith said, pulling her long golden hair in a ponytail and starting towards the ingredients like a child let loose in a sweet shop.

Valkyrie was doubtful, but she followed her friend's instructions.

"This is gloop. Pure gloop." Tanith complained, her mouth was tilted in an unhappy grimace.

She lifted her hands up from the bowl. There was a thick, doughy substance clinging to her fingers. No matter how much she flicked her fingers and hit them against the bowl, the substance seemed to be clinging on for dear life.

Valkyrie was leaning against the counter laughing hysterically. Tanith glared at her friend.

"Where's your attempt?"

"Oh, I binned mine ages ago. Kind of wish I hadn't now, it was less gloop-like than yours." Valkyrie chuckled, prodding the contents of Tanith's bowl.

Tanith huffed and flicked flour at Valkyrie's face, just as she inhaled. The flour flew down Valkyrie's throat and she coughed and spluttered until there were tears running down her face. Tanith shoved a glass of water into her hand and she gulped it down, her face contorted at the taste of the flour lingering on her taste buds.

"That," Valkyrie said crossly "was uncalled for."

Tanith laughed just as the air mysteriously upturned the remainder of the bag of flour onto her head. She shrieked, let her hair out of the ponytail and started shaking her hair out, sending clouds of flour everywhere. She grabbed a carton of eggs and lobbed one blindly at Valkyrie's face.

It smacked straight into Valkyrie's forehead and the shell cracked on impact. Her jaw dropped open.

"Ohmygod. Oh. my. god. You got egg in my god damn hair!" Valkyrie wiped her eyes and grabbed a carton of eggs.

Tanith threw herself behind the kitchen table as an egg hit the wall where her face should have been, Valkyrie hopped up on the table and started to hurl the eggs right down on top of her friend while they both tried to stop themselves laughing. Tanith leaped to the counter, picking up a carton of her own and threw them one after the other at Valkyrie. Just as she was throwing the last one, Fletcher teleported right in front of her. An egg struck him in the centre of his face, covering his entire head. They all froze. Fletcher had a look of fury mixed with disbelief on his face.

"My hair!" He yelped, he covered his hair with his hands, gave Tanith a murderous look and then disappeared.

Seeing her opportunity, Valkyrie splayed her hand at the bag of flour beside Tanith. It expanded and burst, covering her head to toe in the white powder. Tanith wasted no time, she grabbed a bag of flour and launched at Valkyrie, ripping the bag open as she went.

She straddled Valkyrie and emptied the contents onto her face. Valkyrie struggled and managed to dislodge her by jerking her hips and sending Tanith rolling over her head. Heading straight for another carton of eggs, Valkyrie grabbed them and threw them continuously, each one hitting its target. As Valkyrie brandished another bag of flour, Tanith's body collided with hers and they both crashed into the cupboards, the flour burst and showered them in clouds of the white powder. She pinned Valkyrie's arms down, straddling her stomach and took a breath.

They both then broke down laughing at the sight of each other covered head to toe in eggs and flour, which had mixed and created a slimy, yet lumpy paste. Tanith rolled off Valkyrie and lay on the floor next to her, both their chests heaving from exertion and laughter.

Then they heard the front door open and close and remembered where they were. Skulduggery's house. They turned to look at each other with wide, fearful eyes.

"Valkyrie?" Skulduggery called, his voice was nearing the kitchen.

Afraid to move, all the two women could do was turn to stare at the kitchen door. Skulduggery began to call Valkyrie's name again, but as he neared the kitchen his voice faltered. There was a few moments silence.

And then Skulduggery burst through the kitchen door, gun in hand, aimed directly at the two of them. Valkyrie and Tanith screamed and Skulduggery's body flinched. He let his arm drop as he took in the sight before him. Valkyrie tried to come up a plausible excuse.

"So, uh, this raccoon just ran in-"

Skulduggery held up his hand to shush her and she stopped talking. Tanith snorted at Valkyrie's attempt of using Joey's excuse from "Friends".

"What the hell did you do to my kitchen?" He said, his voice conveying nothing except outrage. "I leave you two alone for what, an hour? And you manage to destroy my kitchen!"

Valkyrie and Tanith looked at each other, and then back to Skulduggery.

"We destroyed Fletcher's hair too." Valkyrie mumbled.

Skulduggery paused.

"Okay, just for that, I won't kill you both. But I want this cleaned up by the time I get back?" Skulduggery growled, his voice sounding all fatherly as he pointed his index finger at them.

They nodded in unison. Skulduggery left the kitchen shaking his head and muttering something about children.

"Well I think we can agree that Erskine is getting a shitty shop bought cake." Valkyrie said, getting to her feet and taking in the absolute state of the kitchen.

Tanith stood beside her, hands on her hips and nodded slowly while looking around the kitchen.

"Agreed."

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_Tada! Wasn't very happy with this chapter actually, I had a mind block the whole way through... I hope you guys enjoyed it though :)_

_Also, if anybody has __**any**__ requests or ideas for a certain pairing, situation or anything for a chapter please let me know and I'll write it :)_

_Once I get back to college next week and not working all time, I can update faster so there'll be a lot more chapters :)_

_**Don't forget to review! :) **_

_Thanks again for reading!_

_(Also on another note, give this fanfic a read, it's a collection of Songfics with various pairings! It's by FlawDiamonds and it's amazing! :) _

_ s/9369341/1/Collection-of-Songfics )_

_x_


	3. The Substitute Teacher

_Thanks for the lovely reviews guys and whoever clicked favourite and follow! :) They have inspired me to update even faster so here's a chapter before I go to work!_

_Here's another light-hearted chapter, and next chapter I'll either do Valguine or Valduggery so let me know which you would prefer :)_

_Time for chapter three, enjoy! :)_

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**Chapter 3: The Substitute Teacher**

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Valkyrie was bored. She was amazed at how boring school quickly became when the other option she had was fighting monsters and taking down criminals.

_Only another ten minutes. _She sighed in relief. Either Skulduggery or Tanith was coming to get in her in ten minutes. She decided to tune into what the teacher was saying for the last few minutes.

"-Want you to behave when the substitute teacher gets here, he'll be reporting back to me with how you all behaved, understood?" Mr. Harris looked around at them all intently with his beady eyes, almost as if challenging somebody to disagree with him. He irritated Valkyrie when he did that; it made her _want _to challenge him.

Out of the corner of her eye, she glimpsed somebody standing outside the classroom door and narrowed her eyes.

"Oh, this must be him now. Does everybody agree to what I just said, yes?"

The class nodded sullenly as the Mr. Harris crossed to open the door. Valkyrie's mouth dropped open. Skulduggery Pleasant was standing in the doorway, his body impossibly stiff like he was afraid to move. Valkyrie was just thankful he had his facade tattoos activated.

"Hello there, the class have been warned to behave so they shouldn't give you any problems. I left work on the desk for you to give them. Make yourself comfortable and I shouldn't be more than two hours. Bye class!" Mr Harris grabbed his coat, putting it on as he left the room.

Skulduggery stared at the class and they stared back.

"Um."

Valkyrie couldn't believe this was happening. Skulduggery thought for a moment and then walked to board, he picked up the whiteboard marker and wrote "Mr Pleasant" in big, capital letters. Nodding to himself, he turned back to class. Somebody at the back of the class sniggered and Skulduggery tilted his head to the side.

"You boy, with the stupid expression, what's your name?"

"Damien." The boy glared at Skulduggery defiantly.

"Well Damien, I think it's best for the general well-being of the class and its overall intelligence that you don't make a noise, or even speak for that matter."

The class started to make '_ooooh'_ noises. Valkyrie really couldn't believe what she was witnessing.

"Now, moving on, what subject am I supposed to be teaching?"

The class gave each other looks of disbelief. A pretty girl with long blonde hair spoke up.

"Biology. Is this like, what happens in _The School of Rock_?" She asked excitedly.

"What? No. Do I look like chubby hippy to you?" Skulduggery demanded.

Valkyrie remembered watching that movie with Skulduggery and laughed, she soon regretted it.

"Oh I'm quite hilarious aren't I? What's your name?" Skulduggery asked, his voice was saturated with amusement.

"Stephanie. I think you should teach something Mr Pleasant." Valkyrie's scowl turned into a smirk.

Skulduggery silently cursed her. He walked to desk, trying to look like he knew what he was doing, and picked up the stack of paper that Mr Harris had left.

"Oh look, you're doing the bone structure of the human body." Skulduggery chuckled to himself. "A word of advice, never let somebody yank your bones from their sockets. It's quite painful. Also, you don't necessarily need skin and internal organs to live." He finished matter-of-factly.

The class continued to stare at Skulduggery in disbelief. One of the boys raised his hand.

"Your hair is stupid." Skulduggery stated, nodding his head.

The boy faltered.

"Can I... Can I go to the bathroom?" He stuttered.

Skulduggery chuckled.

"It's quite fun to be a teacher you know. The fate of your bladder rests in the hands of me at this very moment, did you know that? What's your name?"

"Thomas." The boy's voice was barely audible.

"Yes, I will allow you to go to the bathroom Thomas."

Thomas hurried out the classroom, keeping his eyes on the ground. Skulduggery laughed.

"He was a bit edgy wasn't he? He's one to keep an eye on. Now, where was I? Oh yes, bones." He laughed again. Valkyrie was starting to worry about his mental state. Skulduggery handed out the pages to each student.

"Now Stephanie, I have a feeling you know a lot about skeletons for some mysterious reason. Why don't you go ahead and-"

Skulduggery was cut short by the classroom door opening. Thomas stood there behind a man in a brown suede suit with a striped red suit. Skulduggery guessed it was the principal.

"See, didn't I tell you all not to trust that boy?" He said, disappointment in his voice while he shook his head sadly.

"Mr Pleasant is it? Are you authorised to be here?" The principal glared at Skulduggery.

"Are _you_ authorised to be here?"

"Of course I am, I am Mr Fitzgerald. The principal."

"Are you sure?"

Mr Fitzgerald gave Skulduggery a quizzical look.

"Am I sure what?"

"Are you sure you're the principal?"

Valkyrie was trying to fight back the laughter; her shoulders were shaking with silent laughter.

"Who the hell are you?!" Mr Fitzgerald demanded, he was furious.

Skulduggery paused.

"Who the hell are _you_?" He came back with.

The principal's mouth opened and closed like a started fish.

"Mr Pleasant, if you do not exit this school this second I will be calling the Guards. You have two seconds."

"Well class, it was a pleasure." Skulduggery tilted his hat at them and left the classroom quickly.

Valkyrie's phone buzzed in her pocket. It was a text from Skulduggery.

**I'm afraid you'll have to break yourself out of school. I think I****might be barred from your school.**

_Well, I did say I was bored._ Valkyrie thought sarcastically. _I'm still going to kill him._

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_I had great fun writing this chapter, my sister helped me a bit to write this and we laughed a lot coming up with different ideas!_

_Don't forget to send me your ideas guys and I'll write them! :) _

_Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed :)_

**_Drop a review and let me know what you thought! :)_** _I update a lot faster when I get encouraging reviews from you lovely readers! :)_**  
**

_x_


	4. The Dog

_Thanks for reading guys, you are all lovely! :D _

_Now for chapter four... Enjoy!_

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**Chapter 4: The Dog**

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Valkyrie's phone rang out in her ear and she jolted upright in the bed, her eyes stinging against the bright phone screen. She swiped her finger across the screen and fell back into her bed with the phone pressed to her ear.

"Hello?" She groaned, rubbing her eyes.

"Good morning. I have a question, what the hell is this in your garden?" Skulduggery's voice came from the other end of the phone. Valkyrie had to say, that smooth velvet voice was nice to hear when she had just woken up.

"What do you mean?" She yawned as she spoke.

"Hmm, how about the massive black dog in the garden that is currently growling rather unnervingly at me?" Skulduggery spoke quietly down the phone.

Valkyrie frowned and hauled herself out of bed and crossed her bedroom to the window. She burst out laughing at what she saw and opened her window. Skulduggery was backed up again the wall, his head tilted at an uneasy angle while the dog was leaning down on its front legs and growling irritably at him. He moved his hand to wave at Valkyrie, but the dog let out an enormous bark and Skulduggery quickly lowered his hand again.

"Again I ask, what the hell is this doing in your garden?"

Valkyrie waited for her laughter to subside and then spoke.

"He's my grandmothers, we're minding him while she's on holidays. His name is Fluffy."

"Oh, what a fitting name." Skulduggery said sarcastically.

"Sarcasm doesn't become of you, Mr Pleasant." Valkyrie grinned down at him.

Skulduggery tore his gaze away from the enormous dog and looked up at Valkyrie.

"It does when there is an animal thinking of mauling me to death. You have lovely bed-head hair by the way."

Valkyrie glanced in her mirror and she got a shock. Her hair looked like she'd been dragged backwards through a bush. She smoothed her hair down and scowled out the window.

"Just get in here before I set the dog on you." She hung up the phone and opened the window wider.

She watched as Skulduggery put his phone in his pocket, fixed his suit and splayed his hands down by his hands. He rose off the ground, but before he could get any higher, Fluffy leapt up and grabbed Skulduggery's foot in his jaws. Valkyrie looked on in disbelief as Skulduggery let out a yell while being dragged across the garden on his face, losing his favourite fedora as he went.

Valkyrie whipped out her phone and started texting, a couple of seconds later Fletcher, Tanith, Ghastly, Erskine and Dexter appeared in her bedroom. They looked equally confused until Valkyrie pointed out the window, she was laughing too hard to be able to speak.

They soon joined her in laughing. Skulduggery now had his arms wrapped around a tree with the dog furiously thrusting its head around while dragging on Skulduggery's foot. Dexter took out his phone and began taking pictures.

"I think I've found the picture to be hung in Sanctuary hallway, you'll be happy to know Skulduggery." He called out the window, his voice shaking with laughter.

"This is rather undignified. And I do find it interesting that not one of my friends will help me right now, cheers." Skulduggery's voice was strained. "And I'm going to smash your phone, Dexter."

"Skulduggery Pleasant: can take down just about any villain, but is powerless against dogs." Erskine's laughter was the loudest.

With one last furious head thrust, Skulduggery's shoe came off in the dog's mouth. Obviously pleased with himself, the dog trotted off up the garden as Skulduggery fell to the ground. Then he spotted something new as Skulduggery got to his feet slowly and looked to see where the dog had gone.

"No, no, no!" He cried, starting towards Fluffy as he cocked his leg and began to urinate on Skulduggery's hat. The onlookers in Valkyrie's room couldn't contain themselves anymore; they were clinging onto each other nearly crying with laughter.

Skulduggery's shoulders sagged and his head drooped.

"Well, I'm certainly glad you are all amused." Skulduggery mumbled grumpily, before turning and trudging towards the Bentley. He climbed into the front seat and crossed his arms. Valkyrie knew by his unhappy head tilt that he was sulking.

To make it worse, the dog had dug a hole near the Bentley and was now burying the hat. Skulduggery wound down the window slightly and shouted up to them.

"Ghastly, I want a new hat."

Everyone went into new fits of laughter and Skulduggery wound up the window, glanced at the dog destroying his hat and went back to sulking.

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_I'm so terrible at endings it's not even funny... But I hope you all enjoyed! :) It was a bit short sorry about that, the next will be longer :)_

_I'll have another chapter up tomorrow night :) I promise I'll do some Valduggery very soon; I just have so much fun these kind of chapters haha_

_Thanks for reading :)_

_x_


	5. Training

_Sorry about the late update guys! Busy couple of days! _

_**Thank you for all those lovely reviews! :)**_

_Here's a bit of Valduggery to make up for it though! :) Skulduggery is human in this! And it gets a bit... heated, you could say... Don't even know how that happened... haha. Valkyrie is in her twenties :)_

_The idea of training was given to me by Illiterate Cookie, thank you for that! :) I kind of adapted it a bit I hope you don't mind! _

_**Enjoy!**_

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**Chapter Five: Training**

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Valkyrie rolled and came up onto her knees, dodging Skulduggery's lunge. She felt a shift in the air and ducked, Skulduggery's arms grabbed at nothing over her head. She dived forward in a tumble, her body uncurled and she stood up with a grin on her face.

"I seem to have met my match; I shouldn't have trained you so well." Skulduggery said. He was wearing black slacks, a white crisp shirt that seemed to show every curve and muscle on his toned chest and his black tie was loose around his neck. His deep blue eyes were alight with amusement, and his jet black hair fell in a way that defined his high cheekbones and strong, angular jaw bone.

Valkyrie could _definitely_ get used to looking at him like this. Since he had gotten his human form back, she couldn't help the pull of the attraction she felt towards him. These training sessions were perfect for getting a feel of those alluring muscles on his arms. She raised one of her eyebrows and grinned at him, fighting back her blush. She found herself admiring Skulduggery too much lately, sooner or later he would notice and his ego would swell immensely.

"Round two? Maybe one of us will win this time." Valkyrie challenged.

Skulduggery opened his mouth to say something, but instead lunged at her suddenly. Valkyrie was caught by surprise; he narrowly missed her as she threw herself sideways and crashed into the floor. She saw him coming towards her again and she thrust her legs up, shoving his chest. Skulduggery grunted and stumbled back a few steps. Valkyrie got to her feet but before she could make a move Skulduggery's body collided with her and they fell to the floor with a _thump_.

After a few moments of struggling, Skulduggery got the upper hand. It wasn't long before he had her hands pinned above her head, his body pressed firmly against hers to keep her from escaping. She grinned victoriously down at her, Valkyrie jerked her body against his to try and dislodge him. Because of his strength, he didn't move one bit. Being this close to him was going to give her away.

"You cheated." She gasped; her face blushed furiously as she realised what position they were in. Her body was starting to heat up and her heart was slamming against her chest. She was sure he could hear it.

"Nonsense. I'm too good for cheating." Skulduggery said smugly, he moved slightly to keep her arms pinned with his other hand. When his body moved against hers, Valkyrie took a deep breath to stifle the groan in the back of throat.

Sadly, Skulduggery noticed this. He furrowed his eyebrows and opened his mouth-

And then Valkyrie shoved with all her strength and they rolled, there was ripping sound. Valkyrie straddled him and held his arms above his head.

"Not so fun is it?" She smirked.

"No, because you ripped my shirt."

Valkyrie tried to fight the urge to look down at his chest but lost. She peeked down and immediately regretted it, quickly looking up before her body decided to spontaneously combust. This just was not fair. She spotted something metal above Skulduggery's head and an idea hit her. She grabbed the shackles, and before he could react she snapped them around his wrists. She sat back on his hips to admire her handy work and grinned at him. She had Skulduggery Pleasant shackled to a pipe.

"I think I won, don't you agree?" She beamed down at him, folding her arms across her chest.

"I don't agree. I also don't like when you use my own sneaky moves against me." He sounded grumpy, but his eyes were bright. "Are you going to take them off now?"

Valkyrie thought for a minute.

"No," She decided. "I think I should boast for a few more minutes. And possibly take pictures. One to put up beside the dog picture, don't you think that's a great idea?"

"Come on, take them off." Skulduggery said, there was a slight pleading quality in his voice.

"Is Skulduggery Pleasant begging?" Valkyrie mocked, her eyebrows going even higher.

Skulduggery made a slight growling noise, and Valkyrie's grin got even wider. Skulduggery bucked his hips, taking Valkyrie by surprise and she let out a moan. She clamped a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide as Skulduggery stared at her with a shocked expression.

"Valkyrie..." He said slowly, "Did you just moan?"

She was wishing she had the power of teleportation right now. She literally had no idea what to say. They sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity, but it was only a few seconds.

She realised she had left the key in the shackles when she heard the _click_ of them opening. Skulduggery yanked his hands free and pulled her towards him, their lips met and it sent a shock through her. Their lips moved in sync, the passion of the kiss was making it hard for her to breath. This was the release of all the sexual tension inside Valkyrie in the last few weeks. Not wanting to break the kiss, she ran her hands down his chest and started to unbutton his shirt. And then his lips left her mouth and started to trail down her neck, his hot breath was ragged. She allowed herself a moment to admire his incredibly toned torso.

"Are you sure?" His gorgeous velvet voice murmured in her ear.

Valkyrie just nodded and that was all he needed. His lips were back on hers and his strong hands were slowly moving their way upwards, sliding under her top and pulling it over her head. And then he moved suddenly and his body was on top, pressed firmly against her. Valkyrie gasped as she opened her legs to allow his hips to slide in between. She moved her hips against his, her breathing started to speed up and his kisses became more desperate. Skulduggery let out a moan that nearly tipped her over the edge; she dug her fingernails into his shoulder blades and he growled in pleasure. One of her hands moved to knot itself in his hair as his hands slid down her body to the waistband of her pants. She arched her back into his body and they both moaned in anticipation. He held her gaze as he unbuttoned her pants and slid-

"In the training chambers? Really classy, Skulduggery."

Valkyrie nearly had heart failure as Skulduggery's body jolted and he jumped up to his feet. Valkyrie grabbed her top and pulled it on quickly. Erskine Ravel was leaning against the doorway with a suggestive smirk on his face.

"Thank you for the interruption, much appreciated." Skulduggery grumbled, buttoning up his shirt.

"No problem, meeting in five." Erskine chuckled as he left the room.

Skulduggery tightened his tie and held his hand out to Valkyrie, pulling her to her feet and into his arms.

"We'll continue this later." He murmured, pressing his lips to her neck.

"That sounds _fun_." Valkyrie said, kissing him and letting her teeth graze his lower lip. His eyes closed slowly and his hands started to roam around her body.

"Or, how about we lock this door, and continue now?" He pressed Valkyrie up against the wall. His lips went to her neck again.

"But what about Erskine?" She asked breathlessly.

Skulduggery stopped and looked at her.

"To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't be too happy about letting him join."

Valkyrie laughed. Skulduggery reached over and twisted the doorknob to lock it.

"Now, where were we?" He grinned at her.

He grabbed her and lifted her up, wrapping her legs around his hips and claiming her mouth yet again.

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_Tada! Sorry about the delay on this update, hope you guys enjoyed :)_

_Don't forget to drop a review ;D_

_Thanks for reading!_

_x_


	6. The South Flies Sparrow for the Winter

_Thanks for all the unbelievably lovely reviews guys! :D They really made me smile and made me love you all! Haha_

_Also, ideas guys don't forget to leave them and I'll write them :) Sometimes I get annoying mind blocks!_

_Anyway, enjoy! Skulduggery is human in this again :)_

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**Chapter Six: The South Flies Sparrow for the Winter**

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Skulduggery was going drinking. For the first time in over a century, he was going for a few drinks with his friends. He never thought he would be doing this ever again. But there he was, donned in his best suit and fedora, all ready for a 'lad's night out'. Valkyrie was sitting behind him on the bed, with an unimpressed look on her face and her arms folded.

"Why can't I go?" Valkyrie whined, she gave Skulduggery her best puppy-dog eyes.

"Because, it's a _man_ night out. You're a women, I find it weird that I need to tell you that." Skulduggery mumbled the last part while moving his hat from right to left, admiring it on both sides.

"But I'm a fun woman; you don't get many of those. And plus, you'll look like a sad men's club sitting there without any women." Valkyrie said, then after a few seconds of thought she added: "I'm sure Dexter wouldn't mind me coming."

Skulduggery slowly turned to her.

"Of course he won't mind you coming, he's going to be hitting on you all night."

"Who said I had a problem with that?" Valkyrie grinned, picturing Dexter's ruggedly gorgeous face and muscles.

"Fine. You can come, just as long as you, a twenty-eight year old woman, doesn't mind hanging out with our 'sad men's club'. Happy?" Skulduggery grumbled, he knew she wasn't going to let this go anytime soon. She had been talking about it for days.

Valkyrie whooped and bounded out the door to get ready.

Valkyrie, Skulduggery, Erskine, Ghastly, Dexter, Anton and Saracen entered the club. Saracen's face lit up, he placed his hands on his hips and nodded his head repeatedly as he took in all the women in short, tight dresses and heels. Anton laughed.

"You don't stand a chance until you lose that gut of yours, Saracen." Anton chuckled.

Everyone stared, Saracen didn't even defend himself in his state of shock.

"Did you, Anton Shudder, just make a joke?" Erskine said incredulously.

Anton thought for a minute, and then nodded. "Yes, I think I did." And then he walked towards the bar to get a drink.

"Well, this is going to be an interesting night." Saracen said, following Shudder to the bar.

"Skulduggery! What are you drinking?" Valkyrie said, grabbing his arm and steering him towards the bar. "Ooooh, Tequila! I think we should start on that."

Skulduggery looked at her doubtfully but allowed himself to be dragged along.

They all took two shots each at the bar. Skulduggery's face screwed up as he took the salt and sucked on the lemon.

"How the hell is that meant to be enjoyable? I think I'll stick to bourbon." Skulduggery ordered his drink and took a sip. "I forgot how much I loved this stuff." He said adoringly as he gazed into his glass.

"That is such an old man drink." Valkyrie teased, grinning at him.

Skulduggery raised his eyebrows at her, but continued to drink his bourbon.

Soon enough, their table was packed full of empty glasses and they were all quite drunk.

"Anton, I know you're grumpy all the time and all that, but I love you man. I really do." Saracen let his head fall onto Shudder's shoulder and let out an emotion-ridden huff. Shudder had his arm clamped around Saracen's shoulder and had a brave tight lipped expression on his face, he was nodding his head in understanding.

"I know." He said intensely.

Valkyrie and Dexter were playing Snap with a deck of cards, giggling to themselves whenever they slapped at each other's hands, they were probably the most sober out of the lot of them which was saying a lot. Skulduggery was busy trying to appear sober. Every so often, his head would drop down to his chest, along with his eyes, and then he would jerk upright and glance around to make sure nobody noticed. Erskine was attempting to chat up a gorgeous, slender blonde at the bar while eating a cheeseburger, the ketchup dripping down his face and onto his shirt. She was looking faintly disgusted as her friends ignored her pointed looks to save her and continued to laugh.

The worst was Ghastly. He was cradling his drink in one hand, the other arm was fist-pumping while he stood in the middle of the dance floor and singing "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. Thankfully, the loud music in the club drowned out most of his shrieking.

Skulduggery jerked awake yet again and looked around him. Valkyrie was sitting on Dexter's lap, their lips were locked. His hands were sliding around her back. Skulduggery's anger peaked and he jumped up.

"Valkyrie!" Skulduggery barked.

Valkyrie looked around with a startled expression and her lips still puckered from the kiss. Dexter had a grin on his face that showed his enjoyment.

Skulduggery grabbed Dexter's shirt collar and hauled him up off the chair, knocking Valkyrie over with a panicked yell onto the floor.

"The south flies sparrow for the winter!" Skulduggery slurred, his fist soaring towards Dexter's face.

Saracen and Erskine started to giggle hysterically at Skulduggery's mistake. Shudder pulled himself up off his chair and grabbed Skulduggery under his arms, yanking him back before his fist could connect with Dexter's face again. They both tumbled back over a table.

Everyone in the club turned to stare at them. A waitress at the bar was signalling to the two burly bouncers over by the door. They took in the crazy sight over in the corner and their faces turned to equal looks of amusement.

"Alright fellas, it's time for you all to go home. And you, too." He heaved Valkyrie off the floor; she tried desperately to finish the last of her drink, her mouth open while straining to get to the straw, but the bouncer plucked the drink from her hands. Valkyrie yelped in dismay.

Ghastly was sobbing into one of the bouncers shoulders, still mumbling the words to 'I Will Survive'. The bouncer was looking severely uncomfortable, clapping him on the shoulder while he escorted him through the club.

In less than five minutes, they were thrown out through the front doors of the club.

"Back to Skulduggery's!" Valkyrie yelled, while everyone except Skulduggery cheered.

The plan for Skulduggery's house was to continue the party, but considering how he had sobered up in the taxi home, he was sending everyone to bed. All except Shudder, he was just as sober as Skulduggery and started to help him round up the drunks and put them to bed.

"Dexter's coming to bed with me." Valkyrie pulled on Dexter's arm; he had his usual cocky smirk in place while allowing himself to be dragged along.

Skulduggery yanked Dexter back by the collar of his shirt.

"Valkyrie, go to bed. Dexter, you're going to a different bed."

Dexter pouted but walked the other way, winking at Valkyrie as he stumbled down the hallway. Skulduggery scooped Valkyrie up in his arms and carried her into her own room. He placed her on her bed.

"Night Skul." She mumbled.

Skulduggery smiled at her and left the room.

As he left the room, Ghastly wandered by him with his arms wrapped around himself. He bumped into the doorframe and recoiled at Skulduggery standing there.

"I shoulda changed that stupid lock; I shoulda made you leave your key... Walk out the door..." He sniffled, shielding his eyes continuing down the corridor.

Skulduggery could hear Erskine sniggering from one of the bedrooms, while Saracen yelped and Skulduggery shook his head. _Now I remember why we banned drinking in the Dead Men missions. _He thought, shaking his head and going to investigate.

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_Sorry, I'm so terrible at ending chapters... But I hope guys enjoyed it! :) Was a bit random haha_

_Once again, I want to know your ideas! Send them and I'll write them :)_

_Thanks for reading guys don't forget to drop a review ;D_

_x_


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